Mixed Emotions over Miscarriage

3 years ago today I lost my first baby.  

(Here's the full story.)  

Happy 3rd birthday to our Mara Joy!  Wait, what do you call the anniversary of delivering a baby that has passed away?  Do you call it a birthday if technically they were never born alive?  So many questions...

While the memories of my first pregnancy have faded for most everyone else, they are especially vivid for me on this 3rd anniversary/birthday.  Yesterday I went to the store and bought a cake to celebrate Mara's birthday. I decided I didn't want to cry today.  I decided I wanted to celebrate her life with my family instead.  It's been 3 whole years, and I feel like I have officially graduated from grieving! 

 

Getting ready to eat Mara's Birthday cake with my kids.

I love Rocky's sweet kisses.

Happy Birthday Mara!

I love this quote by Joseph Smith:

"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." (History of the Church 4:553)

Pure & Lovely. That's how I want to remember Mara's life.

But, when I open those memories that are tucked away of my pregnancy and miscarriage, a flood of emotions come back.  I really do miss that little baby that I only got to enjoy for a short 4 months. 

Sherri Wittwer in the book "Gone Too Soon" said, "When a woman becomes pregnant, she redirects her life completely.  First, she concentrates on the child within her body and its growth, strength and well-being....Then the woman concentrates on restructuring her environment to prepare for the child--preparing the nursery, the baby's clothing, etc.  When a women bonds with and prepares for the child, but returns home from the hospital or doctor's office with empty arms, the result can be devastating.  To have that child so close and then to have it abruptly taken away might well be viewed as one of the cruelest occurrences in nature."  

I know several women who have lost babies to miscarriage recently.  My heart breaks for anyone who has to go through this, too.  It's a different experience for everyone, but we all have one thing in common. Our hearts hurt.

Writing this blog post I feel a little torn.  Part of me wants to focus on happy thoughts about how I've successfully completed the grieving process.  I want to celebrate.  There is another part of me that wants to write about the terrible sadness miscarriage can cause.  I want to reach out and give a cyber hug to all those moms who are currently struggling with this grief.  I want to say something wonderful and comforting them.  Unfortunately, there isn't much you can say that will actually help.  Recovering emotionally from a miscarriage or still birth is an incredibly painful process.  All I can say is this:  It does get better.

I guess I'll stop there with these mixed emotions.

  

Happy Birthday, Mara!  I can't wait to see you again.

Meeting McKenzie + Baby Blessing

McKenzie is a very blessed girl.  There are so many people that love her!

These pictures are proof.

Rocky and McKenzie

I'm sure they will be very good friends.  

 

If Rocky isn't around to protect and defend McKenzie, I'm sure Logan will do the job. 

You can tell he really loves her.

She's more than a Grandma, she's a Nanny.

We are so grateful for the sacrifice Mom made to help us during McKenzie's first week of life. 

 

 Rocky was especially grateful for a friend to play with him.  He still asks almost every day, 

"Nanny, go go?"

We are very blessed in this family to have been taught the importance of Aunthood by our very own

Aunt Carolyn.

Here are some important aunts in McKenzie's life.

Who wouldn't love this Grandpa?  

McKenzie was instantly taken by his sweet lullabies. 

Cousins are the best.  

We were so happy to have them all here!

And of course the guest of honor, the matriarch of this family.

Our very own Grandma Marilyn!

Being in her late 80's didn't stop this grandma from traveling to be at her great granddaughter's blessing!

We are so grateful Mom and Dad were able to make it to McKenzie's blessing, despite the fact it was just a week before 

reporting to the MTC.  

We know McKenzie will be very blessed for their service.

 

Mom and daughter.

I was so thrilled McKenzie could be blessed in the same dress I was blessed in.

 

There is just something special about that daddy-daughter relationship.

 

 

McKenzie's first glamour shots. 

She's growing more alert every day. We can't wait to 

see her personality develop.

Baby McKenzie's Birth Story

Last summer Caleb and I decided we wanted another baby.  Crazy, right?  Rocky was only about 10 months old at this point.  He was such a good newborn and infant, so we thought 'why not'?   I was still breastfeeding Rocky, so it wasn't until I stopped that we were able to get pregnant again.  (I guess breastfeeding can be a pretty good form of birth control!) At the beginning of September we were so excited to find out we were going to have another baby!  

38 weeks pregnant 

From the beginning of this pregnancy I was pretty confident I would be having a girl.  I just felt different.  With Rocky I didn't have any morning sickness.  I kept on waiting for it to come, but it never did.  With McKenzie, I started to feel nauseated before I tested positive.  I didn't get very bad morning sickness, but at the beginning it was pretty annoying.  Even throughout the second and third trimester I would feel nauseated from time to time.   I also gained less weight with this pregnancy.  I could tell from my size I would be having a more petite baby.

I actually felt great until about 35 weeks.  I think God makes the last few weeks of pregnancy really miserable so we don't fear, but instead crave labor.  At least that's the case with this pregnancy.  I'm not sure exactly all the reasons why, but the end of this pregnancy was way, WAY more difficult then the end of my first.  Most of it probably has to do with the fact that chasing a very rambunctious 19 month old and keeping him alive is hard on a 9 month pregnant body.   

At around 37 weeks I began to lose it and I was ready for baby to come.  I was really hopeful she would come early.  But, weeks 38 and 39 passed and still no baby.  At my 39 week check-up, which was a Monday, I was 3 cm dilated, 50% effaced, and my cervix was very soft.  My midwife didn't think I would make it to 40 weeks.  Yay!  She stripped my membranes and I went home and packed my hospital bag.  I knew she would come that week!

Thursday night of that week I felt the beginning of labor.  It was so exciting!  I had regular, crampy contractions for about 3 hours. They were increasing in intensity and I knew this had to be it.  Then around 3 a.m. things slowed down and eventually stopped.  Talk about a cruel trick!  We were all ready to head to the hospital, and I was so excited to be done.  I know it sounds dramatic, but I really felt like my dreams were shattered.  

The next few days went by very, very slowly. 

Really, the slowest 5 days of my life...

Finally, I had my 40 week check-up the next Tuesday.  Before this time I was anti-elective induction. I was a firm believer that you should allow nature as much time as it needs to take its course.  Because of the increased risks associated with elective inductions I thought it was selfish for a mom to choose those risks over waiting.  

That was until I had to wait...

I now have a completely different perspective on elective inductions.  With Rocky, waiting for my body to go into labor naturally at 40 weeks 4 days was really no big deal.  Of course I was anxious to have him, but the wait wasn't nearly as painful as it was with this pregnancy. I started to feel a lot of extra anxiety during that last week.  I also started feeling less like myself and a little depressed.  Every day was a battle, and I knew all I needed was the relief of delivery.

So there I was, 40 weeks 1 day pregnant at my weekly OB appointment.  My midwife checked me, and I was now 4 cm dilated and 50% effaced.  She said my cervix was even softer than it was the previous week.  She said my body was very ready, and we were just missing regular contractions.

Next we began to discuss an induction.  She recommended we look at doing it at 41 weeks, but I decided that was too far away.  If my body was so ready to have a baby, then what's a few days sooner going to hurt?  It was Tuesday and we decided to schedule the induction for that Friday morning.

While I was a little disappointed at the prospect of abandoning my "natural" labor to be induced, I was very relieved to finally see an end in sight.  I was still hopeful I would go into labor naturally before Friday.

The next three days went very slowly with no signs of real labor. Thursday night I could barely sleep, I was so anxious/excited!  (I also had to get up to the bathroom almost every hour. That didn't help my sleep much either.)

The morning of the induction. So, so ready to have the baby!
Rocky kissing the baby belly goodbye. 

Finally Friday morning came. We dropped Rocky off at the babysitter and arrived at the hospital around 7:30 am.  I felt such relief when I got there, knowing I wouldn't be pregnant much longer.  

The nurse settled us in our room, started my IV, hooked me up to the monitors, and checked my cervix.  I was still 4 cm dilated and was having pretty regular contraction.  Unfortunately, the contractions still weren't intense enough to count as true labor.

My view in the hospital bed

I'm so grateful the midwife let me set the pace of my induction.  I really got to make all the decisions regarding what to do and when. I decided to start the induction by first having my water broken.  I was hopeful it would be enough to kick my body into labor.  So, at 9:15 am my water was broken.

For the next few hours we waited, and waited...

My contractions did pick up a little bit, but they still weren't very intense.  I tried walking around the room and bouncing on a birthing ball to get things going.  It was actually a huge relief to have my water broken. The nurse was surprised at how much amniotic fluid there was.

Around 11:30 am I had the nurse check my cervix to see if I had made any progress.  I was still just 4 cm dilated.  The midwife was fine waiting to see if labor would begin on its own, but I was getting impatient and didn't want to spend all day waiting.  So, we went ahead and started the pitocin at the lowest dose at 12:15 pm.

After the pitocin started I felt the contractions pick up pretty quickly.  While they weren't terrible, I could feel they were making more progress.  Finally, I was in labor!

During my labor with Rocky I spent a few hours in a birthing tub to help take the edge off the contractions.  It was very, very helpful and I really wanted to be able to labor in water again with this delivery.  When I decided to be induced I thought I wouldn't be able to get in the water because being on pitocin requires continual fetal monitoring.  I was surprised and happy to find out that this hospital actually has wireless fetal monitors that can go in the water.  
Thank you technology!

Once the pitocin started I asked the nurse to fill the tub so it would be ready when things got intense.  The tub was like an inflatable Jacuzzi that they stuck in the middle of the room.   At 1:50 pm the contractions started getting more intense, so I decided to get in the water.  This is when I felt like 
active labor really began.

In labor and hanging out in the tub!
This was taken just an hour and 15 minutes before McKenzie was born.

Once in the water I felt a huge relief.  The contractions continued to grow in intensity, and with every one I would focus on breathing, relax my body, and try to visualize a "happy place".  Around 2:30 pm the contractions began to be much more intense.  I started getting hot flashes with each one and I was pretty sure I had hit transition.  Caleb knelt behind me and helped coach me during this difficult phase.  He was such a good labor coach!

At about 2:50 pm I felt the urge to push at the end of a contraction.  The nurse was in the room at the time, so I told her that maybe it would be a good time to check my cervix to see how far I had progressed.  The nurse said the midwife was with another patient, but she would get her and be back in probably 10ish minutes. 

After the nurse left I had another contraction and REALLY felt the urge to push.  Well, I actually started pushing.  I told Caleb to call the nurse and tell her to come NOW.  So, in a few minutes the midwife and nurse were in the room.  I got out of the water and the nurse checked my cervix.  At this point my cervix was about 8 cm dilated.  While she was checking me I had a contraction and began to push.  With the push I must have gone completely to 10 cm because the midwife looked surprised and said it was time!  

It was a relief to know it was pushing time because I was beginning to feel anxious and didn't know how much longer I would be able to keep calm.  For the next contraction the midwife had me push while I was on my left side to see if we could finish thinning out the last of the cervix.  That position was super uncomfortable and I could feel the baby's head descending.  

At this point I couldn't think very clearly.  Fortunately, with the encouragement of Caleb I turned around onto my hands and knees and pushed during the next contraction in that position.  I could feel that pushing in this position was WAY more productive.  After that contraction the baby's head was almost all the way out!  Unfortunately, the contraction stopped before I could finish pushing her out.  I didn't think I would be able to get the baby out without the power of a contraction behind my pushing, but with some encouragement from the midwife two pushes and she was out!


From the time that I left the water to the time the baby was delivered, it was only about 5 minutes!  The delivery was so perfectly quick.  I was elated by how fast and bearable it was.  There is nothing that compares to the relief that you feel after delivering a baby. The intensity of the relief really matches the intensity of all you feel in those few moments before delivery.  
It is such an incredible feeling!

After catching the baby, my midwife immediately handed her to me.  I love that I got to hold her to my chest as she took her very first breath.  I love that I was the one who got to clean her off and welcome her into the world.  





After being able to spend some wonderful moments meeting each other, I let the nurses take McKenzie to clean her and do all the measurements.  Here are our baby's stats:

Born at 3:02 pm
23 May 2014
7 lbs 10 oz
20 inches 

 

I was definitely on a postpartum high, and was very excited to get up and shower without any difficulty.  I felt a little nauseated from the blood loss, but I was so surprised at how good I felt!  With Rocky's delivery it was painful to move and I didn't want to get out of bed for the next few days.  With this delivery I was ready for a dance party in the delivery room!  It was a world of a difference. I think it was easier for a few reasons:
1.  It was my second delivery
2.  The position I delivered in made things so much easier!
3. I didn't tear
4.  McKenzie weighed almost a full pound less than Rocky



Looking back on this experience all I have are positive feelings.  This labor and delivery really was a dream come true for me.  It was fast, relatively easy, and ended in meeting a perfect little girl.  I couldn't have asked for more.  I really wish all women could have this kind of birth experience.  

It was so fun to introduce Rocky to McKenzie.  Rocky instantly was taken with her.  He still gets this really sweet tone in his voice and this certain smile every time he talks about baby McKenzie.  He's not very soft with her, but I'm sure with time he'll learn how to treat her. 



I spent most of my time in the hospital snuggling my new daughter.  Caleb went home to take care of Rocky, so I actually had a lot of alone time with her.  At first I was nervous not to have Caleb's help, but looking back that bonding time was precious.  

We decided a while ago to name our first daughter McKenzie Georgette after my great, great grandfather George McKenzie.  He was a strong Mormon Pioneer that is a wonderful role model for our family.  It's fun to have a name with such a history and meaning.