Two years ago today I miscarried my first baby.
I was 17 weeks along.
Thank goodness time is an excellent healer. The first few days after our loss I didn't think I'd ever be able to feel okay again. Little by little it has become easier to revisit my memories of Summer 2011 and all the excitement, joy, fear, pain, etc., it brought.
I'm blogging about this experience for a few reasons. First, it's a good, therapeutic way to deal with this anniversary. Second, I want to preserve these memories as much as I can. Third, after losing my baby I found a lot of comfort in hearing stories of other women going through similar things. Maybe this will be able to help someone else...
I have so many thoughts and memories about my miscarriage! So, here we go:
The Pregnancy
Caleb and I had been married a little over 2 months when we found out I was expecting. We were newlyweds who naively thought pregnancy was no big deal, and we were anxious to jump right into it.
I guess we were proven wrong.
Three days after I found out I was expecting, Caleb left for a three week tour with the BYU Ballroom Dance Company in Thailand and Vietnam. While he was gone we had very limited contact. He was able to email and call every once in a while.
After Caleb's first week in Asia I went to church with my in-laws. Ironically, it was Mother's Day. While at church I started bleeding. I knew this was a very bad sign, and that I could be miscarrying. I was a mess and didn't know what to do. The worst part of this: Caleb wasn't there. Looking back on the roller coaster of my pregnancy and eventual miscarriage, this time without Caleb was the hardest part.
I know it's easy to think, "You were only 5 weeks along when this happened, the baby's not even a centimeter. How attached could you be?!" Trust me, I would have thought the exact same thing before I got pregnant. But I've learned something with my two pregnancies: once I see the little pink line, I'm hooked.
The next week was filled with doctor appointments and bed rest. The first few days I stayed with my in-laws in Salt Lake City. After the bleeding seemed to be resolving, and we confirmed a viable pregnancy, I went back to Provo. Unfortunately, the bleeding started again one night when I was alone in my apartment. I was convinced I had miscarried that night, but the next day the ultrasound found a healthy heartbeat, again. By this time the roller coaster of emotion without Caleb was too much. Fortunately, my wonderful mom came to my rescue and flew out to stay with me until Caleb came home. Caleb's return a week later was such a comfort. While the next few months of pregnancy were still very difficult, it was so much easier with him there.
I spent May and June on the same roller coaster. Things would appear to be resolving, and I would start returning to normal life. Shortly after, things would turn around and I would start bleeding again. Every time I had a new bleeding episode, it was progressively worse.
At the end of June Caleb and I were booked for our Honeymoon in Boston. At that time things actually were looking much better, so the doctor cleared us to take that trip. Unfortunately, the dark cloud of the threatened pregnancy loomed over us the entire time, and it was difficult to enjoy our honeymoon. I was on pelvic rest, and being at the end of the first trimester, was still pretty tired. Really, I wouldn't call it a Honeymoon at all. Caleb and I tried to enjoy our time in Boston, and it as good to have a getaway with him.
When we got back from the trip, things started getting much worse. By the beginning of July I was assigned to strict bed rest, meaning I could only get up for the bathroom and doctors visits. This definitely made life more difficult.
From the beginning of the pregnancy I had been diagnosed with a subchorionic bleed. Basically, this meant that there was some bleeding going on around the baby that they couldn't explain. In most cases, subchorionic bleeds progressively get better and resolve themselves. In my case, the bleeding was progressively getting worse. There was really no explanation for why it was happening. All we could do was be careful, and wait for things to resolve.
By this time I was finally getting used to the roller coaster and was feeling more confident about the pregnancy. Although the bleeding was alarming, there wasn't any problem with the baby or the placenta. I loved being able to get a weekly ultrasound and see my beautiful girl growing. While things were scary, I was beginning to feel like everything would be okay.
The Loss
On July 24th I was home, like usual, while my husband was at church. Twice I felt some very sharp pains in my back. It was strange, but didn't think much of it. Well, a few minutes later I felt a gush, *you know where*. At first I thought it was bleeding starting again, but instead of blood it was clear fluid. At first I was a little confused, but then it hit me. My water just broke. Well, I started freaking out and called Caleb and told him to come home STAT.
We called the doctor on call, thinking they would have us go to the hospital to get things checked out right away. Instead, this was the doctor's response, "Since you're only 17 weeks along, there's nothing we can do. The office is closed tomorrow, so just come in on Tuesday and have it checked out."
At the time I wasn't thinking very clearly, at all. So, I just did what the doctor said to do. Now looking back, I am so angry with that doctor! Of course I should have gone to the hospital right away! I've talked to other doctors since then, and they are very surprised the doctor had me wait. Those two days of waiting were so, so horrible. I had no idea if my baby was still alive, and all I could do is wait.
Finally, I was seen on Tuesday, at 5:30 p.m. As the ultrasound tech put the probe to my belly I knew right away that something was very wrong. Through all the ultrasounds I had always seen the baby safely curled up in the fetal position and moving happily. This time our baby’s body was stretched out and she looked lifeless. With no amniotic fluid surrounding her, it was like she had lost her home. After a few minutes of trying to find a heartbeat the tech gave up and said she was sorry, but there was no heart beat. She left to go get the doctor to pronounce “fetal demise”.
I was in shock. I couldn't believe it was over. I was so used to everything working out, so I couldn't believe it. I'll spare all the emotional details and leave it at this: I was in pain.
At this point in the pregnancy the baby was big enough to need to be delivered. So, off to the hospital I went to deliver a baby. I was nervous and felt so unprepared. Normally a pregnant women get's a lot longer to prepare for delivery.
During the second half of my pregnancy I began seeing a midwife, Jennifer Walker. Before seeing her I had seen several other doctors and midwives at the same clinic. None of them compared to her. She was so understanding, and LISTENED. She took my issues seriously, and was very willing to help. By a miracle, Jennifer was already at the hospital when I arrived. She was such a help through that night. When I arrived she gave me a big hug, and said through tears, "I'm so sorry. This wasn't supposed to happen."
It took about 8 hours to deliver our baby. It's strange, but my time at the hospital was actually a very wonderful, peaceful experience. The staff were all very kind and respectful.
When our baby was finally delivered, the nurses cleaned her up and gave her to us to hold. She was very small, fitting in my two hands. We decided to name her Mara Joy. Mara means bitter in Hebrew. It really was a bitter sweet experience.
The most difficult part of all of this was leaving the hospital empty handed. It felt so wrong, like something had been wrongfully taken from me.
The Recovery
After I lost the baby I became obsessed with pregnancy. Unfortunately, it took a while for my body to get back to normal, so I wasn't able to get pregnant again right away. It was probably for the best, because I had a lot of emotional healing to do.
There are so many things I learned from this experience. Here are just a few:
1. Post-partum hormones + miscarriage = lots, and lots, and lots of crying. And maybe a little insanity. Now looking back it's kind of funny to think about. It wasn't so funny then.
2. There are so many women who have lost babies during pregnancy. Just because they don't talk about it, doesn't mean they aren't hurting.
3. EVERYONE around you is pregnant after you have a miscarriage. No, seriously. I felt like I was a pregnancy magnet. I was so jealous and even a little angry at pregnant women. Especially those who were due around the same time or after me. I hated it when they complained about their pregnancy. I would have given anything to be pregnant again.
4. Sometimes people say really insensitive things after you have a miscarriage. They don't do it intentionally, they just don't understand. For example,
"At least you didn't go full term and lose the baby then."Actually, I would have loved to have had more time with my baby. Even if it meant losing her at 40 weeks.
"It was probably for the best. Miscarriages usually happen because of some kind of defect."
My baby was perfect, thank you very much. There was nothing wrong with her, it was just her home that had a problem.
It's okay, you'll have more babies.Yes, I will. But I wanted THIS baby. I loved THIS baby.
5. Getting pregnant after a miscarriage is scary. It is VERY worth it and a HUGE help in recovery, but it is still scary.
6. It's a lot easier to go to God for comfort instead of being angry at Him. He knows what He's doing. Things work out, we just need to trust Him.
7. The book "Gone Too Soon" by Sherri D. Wittwer is a must-read after you have a miscarriage. Actually, I think EVERYONE should read it so they can understand and be sensitive to mothers who have lost a baby.
8. One advantage to a miscarriage: it makes you really appreciate a healthy pregnancy and baby. Even during my not-so-fun episode with kidney stones while I was pregnant with Rocky, I remember feeling so grateful my baby was okay. I was so happy to be pregnant, kidney stones and all!
9. Just because you have another baby, it doesn't mean you don't miss the one you lost.
10. Things do get better. Time heals. Christ heals.
Happy Mara Day!
I was 17 weeks along.
Thank goodness time is an excellent healer. The first few days after our loss I didn't think I'd ever be able to feel okay again. Little by little it has become easier to revisit my memories of Summer 2011 and all the excitement, joy, fear, pain, etc., it brought.
I'm blogging about this experience for a few reasons. First, it's a good, therapeutic way to deal with this anniversary. Second, I want to preserve these memories as much as I can. Third, after losing my baby I found a lot of comfort in hearing stories of other women going through similar things. Maybe this will be able to help someone else...
I have so many thoughts and memories about my miscarriage! So, here we go:
The Pregnancy
Caleb and I had been married a little over 2 months when we found out I was expecting. We were newlyweds who naively thought pregnancy was no big deal, and we were anxious to jump right into it.
I guess we were proven wrong.
Three days after I found out I was expecting, Caleb left for a three week tour with the BYU Ballroom Dance Company in Thailand and Vietnam. While he was gone we had very limited contact. He was able to email and call every once in a while.
After Caleb's first week in Asia I went to church with my in-laws. Ironically, it was Mother's Day. While at church I started bleeding. I knew this was a very bad sign, and that I could be miscarrying. I was a mess and didn't know what to do. The worst part of this: Caleb wasn't there. Looking back on the roller coaster of my pregnancy and eventual miscarriage, this time without Caleb was the hardest part.
I know it's easy to think, "You were only 5 weeks along when this happened, the baby's not even a centimeter. How attached could you be?!" Trust me, I would have thought the exact same thing before I got pregnant. But I've learned something with my two pregnancies: once I see the little pink line, I'm hooked.
The next week was filled with doctor appointments and bed rest. The first few days I stayed with my in-laws in Salt Lake City. After the bleeding seemed to be resolving, and we confirmed a viable pregnancy, I went back to Provo. Unfortunately, the bleeding started again one night when I was alone in my apartment. I was convinced I had miscarried that night, but the next day the ultrasound found a healthy heartbeat, again. By this time the roller coaster of emotion without Caleb was too much. Fortunately, my wonderful mom came to my rescue and flew out to stay with me until Caleb came home. Caleb's return a week later was such a comfort. While the next few months of pregnancy were still very difficult, it was so much easier with him there.
I spent May and June on the same roller coaster. Things would appear to be resolving, and I would start returning to normal life. Shortly after, things would turn around and I would start bleeding again. Every time I had a new bleeding episode, it was progressively worse.
At the end of June Caleb and I were booked for our Honeymoon in Boston. At that time things actually were looking much better, so the doctor cleared us to take that trip. Unfortunately, the dark cloud of the threatened pregnancy loomed over us the entire time, and it was difficult to enjoy our honeymoon. I was on pelvic rest, and being at the end of the first trimester, was still pretty tired. Really, I wouldn't call it a Honeymoon at all. Caleb and I tried to enjoy our time in Boston, and it as good to have a getaway with him.
 |
| Boston Honeymoon |
When we got back from the trip, things started getting much worse. By the beginning of July I was assigned to strict bed rest, meaning I could only get up for the bathroom and doctors visits. This definitely made life more difficult.
 |
| Bedrest made fun by a visit from my sister and nephew, Logan |
From the beginning of the pregnancy I had been diagnosed with a subchorionic bleed. Basically, this meant that there was some bleeding going on around the baby that they couldn't explain. In most cases, subchorionic bleeds progressively get better and resolve themselves. In my case, the bleeding was progressively getting worse. There was really no explanation for why it was happening. All we could do was be careful, and wait for things to resolve.
By this time I was finally getting used to the roller coaster and was feeling more confident about the pregnancy. Although the bleeding was alarming, there wasn't any problem with the baby or the placenta. I loved being able to get a weekly ultrasound and see my beautiful girl growing. While things were scary, I was beginning to feel like everything would be okay.
 |
| The last picture we got of Mara while she was alive |
The Loss
On July 24th I was home, like usual, while my husband was at church. Twice I felt some very sharp pains in my back. It was strange, but didn't think much of it. Well, a few minutes later I felt a gush, *you know where*. At first I thought it was bleeding starting again, but instead of blood it was clear fluid. At first I was a little confused, but then it hit me. My water just broke. Well, I started freaking out and called Caleb and told him to come home STAT.
We called the doctor on call, thinking they would have us go to the hospital to get things checked out right away. Instead, this was the doctor's response, "Since you're only 17 weeks along, there's nothing we can do. The office is closed tomorrow, so just come in on Tuesday and have it checked out."
At the time I wasn't thinking very clearly, at all. So, I just did what the doctor said to do. Now looking back, I am so angry with that doctor! Of course I should have gone to the hospital right away! I've talked to other doctors since then, and they are very surprised the doctor had me wait. Those two days of waiting were so, so horrible. I had no idea if my baby was still alive, and all I could do is wait.
Finally, I was seen on Tuesday, at 5:30 p.m. As the ultrasound tech put the probe to my belly I knew right away that something was very wrong. Through all the ultrasounds I had always seen the baby safely curled up in the fetal position and moving happily. This time our baby’s body was stretched out and she looked lifeless. With no amniotic fluid surrounding her, it was like she had lost her home. After a few minutes of trying to find a heartbeat the tech gave up and said she was sorry, but there was no heart beat. She left to go get the doctor to pronounce “fetal demise”.
I was in shock. I couldn't believe it was over. I was so used to everything working out, so I couldn't believe it. I'll spare all the emotional details and leave it at this: I was in pain.
At this point in the pregnancy the baby was big enough to need to be delivered. So, off to the hospital I went to deliver a baby. I was nervous and felt so unprepared. Normally a pregnant women get's a lot longer to prepare for delivery.
During the second half of my pregnancy I began seeing a midwife, Jennifer Walker. Before seeing her I had seen several other doctors and midwives at the same clinic. None of them compared to her. She was so understanding, and LISTENED. She took my issues seriously, and was very willing to help. By a miracle, Jennifer was already at the hospital when I arrived. She was such a help through that night. When I arrived she gave me a big hug, and said through tears, "I'm so sorry. This wasn't supposed to happen."
 |
| In labor at the hospital. I wasn't happy Caleb was taking the picture at the time. Now looking back, I'm so glad he documented this. |
 |
| Trying to smile at the camera |
It took about 8 hours to deliver our baby. It's strange, but my time at the hospital was actually a very wonderful, peaceful experience. The staff were all very kind and respectful.
When our baby was finally delivered, the nurses cleaned her up and gave her to us to hold. She was very small, fitting in my two hands. We decided to name her Mara Joy. Mara means bitter in Hebrew. It really was a bitter sweet experience.
The most difficult part of all of this was leaving the hospital empty handed. It felt so wrong, like something had been wrongfully taken from me.
The Recovery
After I lost the baby I became obsessed with pregnancy. Unfortunately, it took a while for my body to get back to normal, so I wasn't able to get pregnant again right away. It was probably for the best, because I had a lot of emotional healing to do.
There are so many things I learned from this experience. Here are just a few:
1. Post-partum hormones + miscarriage = lots, and lots, and lots of crying. And maybe a little insanity. Now looking back it's kind of funny to think about. It wasn't so funny then.
2. There are so many women who have lost babies during pregnancy. Just because they don't talk about it, doesn't mean they aren't hurting.
3. EVERYONE around you is pregnant after you have a miscarriage. No, seriously. I felt like I was a pregnancy magnet. I was so jealous and even a little angry at pregnant women. Especially those who were due around the same time or after me. I hated it when they complained about their pregnancy. I would have given anything to be pregnant again.
4. Sometimes people say really insensitive things after you have a miscarriage. They don't do it intentionally, they just don't understand. For example,
"At least you didn't go full term and lose the baby then."Actually, I would have loved to have had more time with my baby. Even if it meant losing her at 40 weeks.
"It was probably for the best. Miscarriages usually happen because of some kind of defect."
My baby was perfect, thank you very much. There was nothing wrong with her, it was just her home that had a problem.
It's okay, you'll have more babies.Yes, I will. But I wanted THIS baby. I loved THIS baby.
5. Getting pregnant after a miscarriage is scary. It is VERY worth it and a HUGE help in recovery, but it is still scary.
6. It's a lot easier to go to God for comfort instead of being angry at Him. He knows what He's doing. Things work out, we just need to trust Him.
7. The book "Gone Too Soon" by Sherri D. Wittwer is a must-read after you have a miscarriage. Actually, I think EVERYONE should read it so they can understand and be sensitive to mothers who have lost a baby.
8. One advantage to a miscarriage: it makes you really appreciate a healthy pregnancy and baby. Even during my not-so-fun episode with kidney stones while I was pregnant with Rocky, I remember feeling so grateful my baby was okay. I was so happy to be pregnant, kidney stones and all!
9. Just because you have another baby, it doesn't mean you don't miss the one you lost.
10. Things do get better. Time heals. Christ heals.
Happy Mara Day!
