Emmeline's Birth Story

Emmeline Marca Merrell

August 2, 2016

6:53 pm

7 lbs, 4 oz 20.5 in

To give a brief summary of my pregnancy with Emmeline, it was a healthy, normal pregnancy with no surprises. I did feel more morning sickness this time, which was completely unexpected and pretty annoying.

The end of Emmeline's pregnancy was challenging. I really wish there was a way to skip the last three weeks of pregnancy.  I almost thought I would when I had a bout of false labor at 37 weeks. (Such a nasty trick of mother nature.) Instead of delivering the baby, I was sent home from the hospital with a deep, burning desire to go into labor.  Like my pregnancy with McKenzie, I ended up dealing with TONS of Braxton-Hicks contractions, that helped me dilate and efface nicely, but never actually turned into true labor. 

I was induced to deliver McKenzie at 41 weeks. My body was so very ready, and the delivery went smoothly and fast. She was delivered just 2 hours after starting pitocin. Her birth was an amazing experience that I would be happy to repeat. Because that induction was such a wonderful experience I decided that if I hadn't delivered Emmeline by 40 weeks I would schedule an induction. Of course 39 weeks came and I was dying to have the baby. My cervix was really ripe and ready, so we went ahead and scheduled the induction for the day before I was due.

The morning of August 2nd arrived, and I was very excited to head to the hospital. The great thing about an induction is going in without any pain or urgent rush. It was a peaceful morning. This was taken on the way into the hospital. 

I arrived at 7:30 am and began filling out paperwork. I started to get settled into a room, but then I noticed blood on the toilet seat. YUCK! So, they moved me to another room, which also hadn't been cleaned properly.  Someone in the nighttime cleaning crew apparently hadn't been doing their job very well. Our nurse was very upset about it, and I'm grateful they took it seriously. After the first room was cleaned I went back in there and got settled. At 9:15 am we FINALLY started the pitocin.  GAME ON.

 

It didn't take much pitocin to start regular contractions.  By 11 am labor was in full swing.  Look at those beautiful contractions!

Labor was progressing well. With the contractions becoming more intense, I decided to enlist the greatest source of help during my other deliveries: the birth pool.  Seriously, hydrotherapy is THE BEST if you're going the no-epidural route.

I got in the water around 12 pm and immediately the contractions began to slow. It was so frustrating! At 12:30 pm we increased the pitocin to compensate, but it wasn't helpful. I could hardly feel the contractions at this point. At 1 pm I got out of the water and we increased the pitocin again. 

It seemed as if all the work I had done up to this point had been reversed and I was starting all over again. For the next hour or so I walked laps around the unit, trying to get labor started again. At 2 pm the pitocin was increased and the contractions were getting more intense, finally!  I noticed that when I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet I could REALLY feel the contractions.  I think that position was helpful in moving the baby down.  So, I did as much toilet-sitting as I could tolerate.  It started to become more difficult, so I attempted the birth pool again.

Meanwhile, this is what men do during labor.  He gets to eat hamburgers and relax while I'm in the water doing all the work. So unfair...

Okay, in reality Caleb is an awesome, supportive birth partner/coach.  At this point I could handle the contractions just fine on my own, so we thought it would be a good time for him to eat before I needed his full attention.  I think this part of labor is hard for men because it's so boring. So much waiting and not much to do. 

Around 4 pm labor was becoming more and more difficult. I had to concentrate and breathe through every contraction. The midwife checked my cervix, and I was 6 cm dilated. The baby was still high at station -1 or -2.  (That's pretty high considering all the laboring I'd been doing.) It was 4:45 pm, and I decided I wanted my water broken to help move the baby down and hopefully get her out. 

Having my membranes ruptured did seem to help. Contractions became VERY intense.  By 6 pm I began to lose control of my concentration.  I was getting discouraged and started thinking I couldn't do it anymore.  We tried different positions on the bed, on the birthing ball, and in the water, but I was still struggling.

At 6:45 pm I had them check my cervix again. I had to be close! Unfortunately, I was only 7 cm dilated and the baby was still high at -1 station. I was so sad, I wanted to cry. I was frustrated mostly due to all the high expectations McKenzie's delivery left.  Her's was so fast, so easy!  Why was this one so long and so painful?  Why wouldn't this baby move down?! 

As I mentioned earlier, Caleb was awesome labor support for me. He did counter pressure to alleviate some of the pain and was attentive to my discomfort. I think he'd make a great Doula. :)

Right after the cervical exam, I asked if I could get in the water again.  My midwife consented, thinking I still had at least another hour before delivery due to Emmeline's high position. 

I got in the water and immediately felt relief.

Then came the contraction to beat all contractions. This was a monster, scream-like-I'm-dying kind of contraction.  It started out like all the rest, but then I could feel the baby move from her high position all the way to crowning. I did the transition period of labor, from 7 to 10 cm, all in a single moment.  It was intensity like I've never felt before. 

So, I screamed out, "I'm pushing!!" 

That quickly got everyone's attention. At this particular hospital, they DO NOT allow you to deliver in the water. It took a very long time for the midwives to convince the hospital to allow the birthing pool for labor relief.  Because of one "accidental" water delivery the birthing pool was almost taken away and the midwives were given strict instruction that a water birth wasn't to happen again. So, when I screamed that I was pushing and was still in the water the midwife and the nurses were VERY insistent that I get out.  

I thought they were crazy.  Didn't they hear what I just said?  I'm pushing this baby out NOW.  There's no moving, no getting out of the tub.  I refused, but they kept on insisting.  My midwife, in a very stern voice said, "Maureen, stand up now." I don't know how I was able to, but I followed her instructions and stood. She put her hands down *you know where* to help support the baby's head that was crowning and then guided me to the step out of the pool. I had to swing my leg over the pool and step down onto the stool outside the pool. It seems like such small, simple movements, but for someone pushing a baby out it was almost impossible.  Fortunately, I had lots of hands supporting me and somehow I was able to make it to the bed. I knelt down and held onto the elevated head of the bed and pushed. Just three minutes and two contractions later, at 6:53 pm, Emmeline was born. Here's that magical moment right after delivery.

It was a relief to see a perfect, beautiful little baby girl. Emmeline had the sweetest little whimper that immediately melted my heart.  

The picture below was taken as I was delivering the placenta.  You can tell by the look on my face that I wasn't too happy about having a picture taken at that moment.

It took a lot longer for my placenta to be delivered this time.  It turns out to be bigger than normal. The midwife and nurses were all impressed with it, saying it was a model placenta. The nurse in me thought that was cool, so I had Caleb take a picture. (Sorry to my non-nurse friends who find this disgusting)

Post-delivery was a lot more exhausting than I remember. And I had the post-partum shakes like crazy! Probably because the last few minutes were so intense with how quickly she was delivered.  Around 8 pm we were all cleaned up and ready for visitors. Rocky and McKenzie had both been anxiously anticipating the new baby's arrival for months, so they couldn't have been more happy to meet her.

That night I didn't get much sleep, but in the morning I felt refreshed and so happy to no longer be pregnant.  Plus, I got to hold my precious little Emmeline. 

We were scheduled to be discharged around 7:30 pm.  I was excited to go home and be with my family. But, unfortunately they checked Emmeline right before we were leaving and found her bilirubin levels were too high due an incompatibility between our blood. It was so discouraging! 

We spent the next four days wrapped in a bili-light blanket in the hospital. It was sad not being able to snuggle my newborn as much as I wanted. It was especially frustrating to find out two days into the treatment that the blanket had been on backward from the beginning, so she hadn't been receiving the full effect of the phototherapy. We probably would have been able to go home sooner had the blanket been applied properly. 

While I wish I could have gone home as scheduled, there is silver lining to this extended hospital stay. First, I was able to stay in a private room on the labor and delivery unit with Emmie the entire time. I was discharged, but I still had my own room with a bed and a bathroom. They even delivered meals to me. The only time I was separated from Emmie was when she had her blood drawn. It was truly a blessing to be able to breastfeed and bond with her as much as possible under these circumstances. 

The second blessing was the extra time to rest and recover. If I had gone home as planned I know I would have immediately started housework and childcare to my other little ones.  My wonderful mother-in-law was staying with us to help, but I know I would have wanted to get up and move. This arrangement in the hospital forced me to rest because I had nothing better to do. While I felt a little stir-crazy after the first day, I was grateful my body had time to recover before venturing home. 

Fortunately, we only live about 7 minutes from the hospital, so I was able to have my other little ones visit me daily.

While delivering Emmeline is one of the hardest things I've ever done, I feel privileged to have had that experience. She has brought me closer to heaven and is a reminder of the love Heavenly Father has for each of us.

How Being a Mother Is Like Being a Missionary

Motherhood is a lot like missionary work.

I remember very distinctly that moment I realized this when I was a missionary in Spain.  I was writing my dad a birthday card and reviewing in my mind all that he had done for me.  In that moment it hit me:  everything I was doing as a missionary my parents had done for me.  They were my missionaries, I was their convert.  This may seem pretty obvious, but this realization had a profound impact on both my perspective of missionary work and motherhood.  It made it much easier for me to end my calling as a missionary, knowing I would someday return to the same work.  Only instead of the title of Hermana I would have the title of Mother. 

I've only been a mother for 2+ years, and it's been a crazy ride. Recently motherhood has become much more challenging with a mobile baby and a semi-potty trained toddler.  In these challenges I keep being reminded of my mission.  So, for fun I wanted to write a list of some of the similarities between missionary work and motherhood.  

1.  You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

I had several friends try to warn me before my mission that it would be really hard.  I remember thinking to myself, "Of course it will be hard!  But I can totally do it."  Yes, I did survive that 1.5 years.  I even loved it.  But boy, it was WAY more difficult than I ever expected.  There is really no way to understand the challenges and intensity of being a full time missionary until you have been there yourself.  Once I returned home, I tried describing this to my friends but there's no way they could understand unless they had been a missionary.

The same thing happened with motherhood.  I have waited my whole life to be a mom.  In 1st grade my teacher gave us an assignment to draw a picture of what we wanted to be when we grew up.  Fellow classmates drew firemen, singers, doctors, vets, etc.  What did I draw?  A mom holding a baby and the hand of a child.  Motherhood has been on my radar since then.  Nurturing is in my nature, but that does not mean I was prepared for all the craziness motherhood brings. I see new mommies pregnant with their first and my heart goes out to them.  I know they will feel joy like they've never known, but I also know they will be taken to the brink of insanity.  From what I know, it happens to every mom.  There really isn't any way to understand that dichotomy until you have been their yourself. 

2.  You're never alone.

 I actually enjoyed this part of my mission.  I LOVED my companions and having a buddy with me always.  Because I'm an extrovert I thrive on being with others.  I'm sure this was a lot more challenging for some of my introverted companions who were stuck with me all day.  Coming home from my mission I definitely experienced a sense of loss when I no longer had that trusted companion at my side.

In motherhood this idea applies mostly to stay at home moms with young children, which is where I am right now. Everywhere I go my kids go, too. This was fun as a missionary, but is pretty challenging as a mom.

3.  There is no vacation.

Missionaries go 1.5-2 years without a single evening to relax. Yes, they have a weekly preparation day, but at least for me there wasn't much relaxing going on during P-day.  Plus, by 6 pm that evening I was back to work.  That means that every night for 1.5 years I was working.  EVERY NIGHT.  

Yes, it is possible for parents to get away for a vacation without children.  I really look forward to that day.  During the first year of life, because I've breastfed both my kids, that's just not a possibility.  It's been much harder to get away without the kids than I ever expected. 

4. There is a great weight of responsibility.

Before my mission I was a college student at BYU, and I was only responsible for myself.  Then all of a sudden I was set apart to be a representative of Jesus Christ and my life's purpose completely changed. I, along with my companion, became responsible for teaching the gospel to ALL the individuals that lived within my area.  That's a lot of people, and when it comes to saving souls, that's a big responsibility.  

When you become a parent you are entrusted to keep a tiny, helpless person alive.  It's really not as easy as you would think.  And then the child grows and you become responsible for not only keeping them alive, but also for teaching them and helping them develop into responsible, independent individuals.  With my oldest, Rocky, I'm realizing what I teach him now is going to directly influence his success in life.  Yikes, that's a lot of responsibility!  And it's a lot harder than I was expecting it to be.

5.  Comparison and self doubt will debilitate you.

Recently social media has been buzzing about ending the "mommy wars".  The general idea is that moms compare themselves and judge one another way too much. I think this is a natural tendency in most women.  I definitely haven't heard anything about ending the "daddy wars".  The first time I recognized this weakness was as a missionary.  A companion of mine once told me that the greatest challenge a sister missionary will face is comparing herself to other missionaries. Looking back I can see that I was less successful as a missionary when I was most concerns about measuring up to the success of other missionaries.  It wasn't until I let go of those thoughts that I finally saw myself succeed.  

6.  Your greatest strengths and weaknesses become magnified.

Being a missionary or a mom is like holding up a magnifying mirror to your soul. Because you are stretched to your limits you suddenly see strengths and weaknesses you never knew you had. It can be incredibly rewarding to see the specific talents God's given you and very eye opening to see weaknesses you never knew you had.  

7.  You love more intensely than you ever thought you could.

This very much applies to both missionaries and moms.

8. You get used to the hearing "no".

Being rejected almost all day was very hard to deal with at the beginning of my mission.  I was so frustrated people wouldn't give me an opportunity to explain myself and share my message.  However, with time this rejection just became a normal part of missionary life.  

Any mother of a toddler can really relate to this.  You know they need a nap, but they refuse.  You know their body could really use a good solid meal, but they won't eat.  You know jumping on top of the table is a safety hazard and you ask them to get down, but they do it anyway.  After the initial frustration it just becomes a normal part of life.

9.  You feel closer to the Savior than you ever have before.

Being rejected is pretty difficult, but I remember in that moment of having a door slammed in my face or being spit on that I was not alone.  The Savior experienced that same rejection and I know he's with His missionaries when they have to endure rejection for Him.  You also get the privilege of feeling a degree of the Savior's joy when someone decides to accept the gospel and repent.  

My heart completely broke when I lost my first baby at 17 weeks.  During the delivery I remember feeling a closeness to the Savior that I had never experienced before.  Every mother experiences heartache.  Every mother struggles.  I know Jesus Christ is there to strengthen his mothers because their work is His work.  

10.  Once a missionary, always a missionary.  Once a mom, always a mom.

It's been about 6 years since I've been home from my mission there are still certain hymns that I know better in Spanish than in English.  When I'm teaching a lesson my mind instinctively goes to chapter 10 of Preach My Gospel to prepare.  I use the commitment strategy frequently.  In school I once did a research project which involved stopping random strangers to do interviews.  This was a piece of cake.  

I've observed that a mother doesn't stop mothering when her last child moves out.  It becomes a part of who she is.  

Being a mom and being a missionary have changed who I am forever.  

I'd love to hear if you can think of any other connections between motherhood and missionary work!

Mixed Emotions over Miscarriage

3 years ago today I lost my first baby.  

(Here's the full story.)  

Happy 3rd birthday to our Mara Joy!  Wait, what do you call the anniversary of delivering a baby that has passed away?  Do you call it a birthday if technically they were never born alive?  So many questions...

While the memories of my first pregnancy have faded for most everyone else, they are especially vivid for me on this 3rd anniversary/birthday.  Yesterday I went to the store and bought a cake to celebrate Mara's birthday. I decided I didn't want to cry today.  I decided I wanted to celebrate her life with my family instead.  It's been 3 whole years, and I feel like I have officially graduated from grieving! 

 

Getting ready to eat Mara's Birthday cake with my kids.

I love Rocky's sweet kisses.

Happy Birthday Mara!

I love this quote by Joseph Smith:

"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." (History of the Church 4:553)

Pure & Lovely. That's how I want to remember Mara's life.

But, when I open those memories that are tucked away of my pregnancy and miscarriage, a flood of emotions come back.  I really do miss that little baby that I only got to enjoy for a short 4 months. 

Sherri Wittwer in the book "Gone Too Soon" said, "When a woman becomes pregnant, she redirects her life completely.  First, she concentrates on the child within her body and its growth, strength and well-being....Then the woman concentrates on restructuring her environment to prepare for the child--preparing the nursery, the baby's clothing, etc.  When a women bonds with and prepares for the child, but returns home from the hospital or doctor's office with empty arms, the result can be devastating.  To have that child so close and then to have it abruptly taken away might well be viewed as one of the cruelest occurrences in nature."  

I know several women who have lost babies to miscarriage recently.  My heart breaks for anyone who has to go through this, too.  It's a different experience for everyone, but we all have one thing in common. Our hearts hurt.

Writing this blog post I feel a little torn.  Part of me wants to focus on happy thoughts about how I've successfully completed the grieving process.  I want to celebrate.  There is another part of me that wants to write about the terrible sadness miscarriage can cause.  I want to reach out and give a cyber hug to all those moms who are currently struggling with this grief.  I want to say something wonderful and comforting them.  Unfortunately, there isn't much you can say that will actually help.  Recovering emotionally from a miscarriage or still birth is an incredibly painful process.  All I can say is this:  It does get better.

I guess I'll stop there with these mixed emotions.

  

Happy Birthday, Mara!  I can't wait to see you again.

Meeting McKenzie + Baby Blessing

McKenzie is a very blessed girl.  There are so many people that love her!

These pictures are proof.

Rocky and McKenzie

I'm sure they will be very good friends.  

 

If Rocky isn't around to protect and defend McKenzie, I'm sure Logan will do the job. 

You can tell he really loves her.

She's more than a Grandma, she's a Nanny.

We are so grateful for the sacrifice Mom made to help us during McKenzie's first week of life. 

 

 Rocky was especially grateful for a friend to play with him.  He still asks almost every day, 

"Nanny, go go?"

We are very blessed in this family to have been taught the importance of Aunthood by our very own

Aunt Carolyn.

Here are some important aunts in McKenzie's life.

Who wouldn't love this Grandpa?  

McKenzie was instantly taken by his sweet lullabies. 

Cousins are the best.  

We were so happy to have them all here!

And of course the guest of honor, the matriarch of this family.

Our very own Grandma Marilyn!

Being in her late 80's didn't stop this grandma from traveling to be at her great granddaughter's blessing!

We are so grateful Mom and Dad were able to make it to McKenzie's blessing, despite the fact it was just a week before 

reporting to the MTC.  

We know McKenzie will be very blessed for their service.

 

Mom and daughter.

I was so thrilled McKenzie could be blessed in the same dress I was blessed in.

 

There is just something special about that daddy-daughter relationship.

 

 

McKenzie's first glamour shots. 

She's growing more alert every day. We can't wait to 

see her personality develop.